Roots & Hope

Soulful Reflections on Faith, Healing, and Young Adulting

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Since Feb. 2016, I’ve encouraged myself and others on this honest blog, Roots and Hope. I love to share my heart about faith, mental health, & young adulting.
  • Ring the Alarm

    Ring the Alarm

    Dollar stores are underrated. My favorite is Dollar Tree, where everything from a Baby Ruth to a household decoration truly costs no more than $1. There, I feel rich whenever I splurge on stationery, cleaning supplies, and junk food.

    As a kid, I loved sitting in my mom’s fragile ’93 Eagle Vision. I rode for 1 1/2 Jill Scott songs to the Dollar Deal at Grandland Shopping Center on Grand River and Fenkell. We shopped there so frequently that on the rare occasions I’ve visited lately, the business owner and cashier always says, “It’s amazing how you’ve grown up. I still remember when you were this little (levels her hand to show my 10 year old height)”.

    Snooze (10 More Minutes)

    Too many mornings have overwhelmed me, and I have rarely gotten out of bed on time this past year. At the beginning of April, I knew what I had to do.

    During my job’s spring break, I drove to the black and yellow themed promise of the nearest Dollar General. Next to the clearance rack of watery nail polish and unpopular toys, I found an accountability partner. Paying homage to life before cell phones, I purchased an old school alarm clock.

    God wakes me up.

    I am so grateful for every new day I get to live and learn more about the meaning of love and endurance. Daily, though, I struggle to not be consumed by my worries. On my current smartphone, it’s easy to turn off its alarm clock, stay in bed, and anxiously postpone my responsibilities.

    The alarming sound of my new “throwback” clock is obnoxious enough to be effective. After walking across the room to turn it off, heart pacing, I push myself to face the rest of the day. I shower, chew my gummy vitamins, and eat breakfast. Most amazingly, I’ve been able to pray, read Scripture, and leave my apartment with the intent to experience more joy.

    A Bad Day Doesn’t Mean You’re a Bad You

    Yesterday, I had a tough day with my students. I Love the opportunities I have had to work with youth, especially in my hometown Detroit. My current 6th and 7th graders are unique – each carry their own quirks, gifts, and areas for growth. They know all about my love for ice cream and my snorty laughs. I hope they know my admiration of them.

    Some days, my middle school students fall short of being their best selves. Whenever they’re unfocused or a lesson doesn’t go as planned, I internalize a bad day with them to mean that I’m an ineffective, bad me. My internal alarm clock goes off and says, “Maybe, you’re not good enough at living out this passion you have for kids.”

    After yesterday’s challenges, I had to remind myself that I’m passionate, purposeful, and empowering. As the workday came to a close, I had to re-empower myself with joy: gratitude for my life, my students, my teammates, and the opportunity to push forward in God’s love. I’m awake.

  • I Talk To Myself

    I Talk To Myself

    Don’t give me the side eye. We all do it, right? We occasionally catch ourselves in a conversation…with ourselves…and laugh about it. Sometimes, the experience becomes so much of a habit that it’s no longer peculiar.

    I talk to myself often. It happens while I wash dishes that I avoided for too long, commute on the Lodge Freeway, and draft emails at work. As an over thinker, it’s difficult for me to quiet my thoughts. Although my casual self-talk is harmless, my challenges arise from thoughts of discouragement, depreciation, and condemnation:

    • I can’t do this.
    • I am too [insert adjective] and not [insert adjective] enough.
    • They won’t accept me as I am.
    • I can’t forgive myself for this mistake.
    • This person wasn’t nice to me today. Maybe, there is something wrong with me.
    • My life doesn’t seem as great as theirs.
    • What’s possibly lovable about me?

    Thoughts are Thoughts

    My therapist shared a concept with me that I am still digesting. Thoughts are just thoughts. On some occasions, they are reflective of our values and deepest truths. They can remind us to endure, embrace, and ponder. Yet, our thoughts can also be connected to our feelings, which are fickle and not always rooted in truth. When I feel happy, for instance, I believe that I am loved and valued. During my moments of sadness and insecurity though, it is difficult to receive these truths.

    It has been mentally and spiritually healthy for me to seek support. Every two weeks, my therapist helps me to address anxiety, and acknowledge my thoughts without judging them. I am finding ways to grow in vulnerability, whether this occurs through writing, honest prayer, or sharing my experiences with trusted people. Aligning my thoughts with Biblical scripture, too, has been helpful. Whenever I condemn myself for being unable to please everyone, or feel unlovable, I can also remind myself of God’s boundless love.

    And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is.

    (Ephesians 3:18) New Living Translation

    This process of overcoming harmful self-talk requires grace and persistence. I will never be perfect at it, but I will keep trying my best. In my moments of weakness, I can hug God’s strength. That gives me hope.

  • The Pressure to “Live Life to the Fullest”

    The Pressure to “Live Life to the Fullest”

    “Sometimes, you want to go where everybody knows your name.”

    As a kid, I faithfully watched “Nick-at-Nite”. When the television show Cheers came on, however, that was my cue to change the channel. Oddly, the show’s theme song was impressionable enough to still resonate with me.

    Although it’s tough to confess, I want to be Known and Loved. Perhaps, that’s a desire that everyone secretly shares. Yet, I struggle with wanting everyone to view me and my life as important. Last week, I even went through a mini-crisis during which I felt anxious about dying. What if I died before I could accomplish my agenda in the world?

    • Brighten up people’s lives
    • Make a positive impact in Detroit and the world
    • Be an inspirational educator and writer
    • Be an example of how God’s love can live inside a human being
    • and get recognized for doing so

    “But Jess, what about humility?” 

    I try to be humble. Inside of me, there’s just this complicated longing to make every day legendary and glorious like a bungee jump.

    I’ve been wrestling with the idea of what it means to “live life to the fullest”. Truthfully, I know that life doesn’t have to be a series of grand, history book worthy accomplishments. Yet, reconciling that truth with my feelings and the pressure I place on myself is an ongoing process.

    While confronting this longing, I am hoping to increasingly focus on my faith and remember that my existence alone is a gift. Awards, achievements, compliments, or social recognition could not make me any more valuable than I already am. As I am freed from the dependency on these adornments, then perhaps, I might realize my life is already abundant and beautiful.

  • You Are Enough. Remind Yourself.

    You Are Enough. Remind Yourself.

    It’s roughly 4am, and of course, I’m awake.

    This week, I had a day off from work, and I decided to make it a great day. After waking up, I mulled over worries, but I spent most of the day seeking simple moments of joy and rest.

    There were small successes, like the tasty breakfast I made, which included real hash browns (potatoes are the best if you didn’t know). I caught up on mundane adult tasks, like getting an oil change and buying more vitamins. My favorites are the gummy bear types that taste like candy (I adult in my own way). I’ve been slowly reading through Maya Angelou’s autobiographies, too, which I hope to have done by her birthday in April. I caught up on reading her stories while at a coffee shop, and didn’t even have to spend my own money for hot cocoa. I love gift cards! To top it off, my afro puff was glorious, so the day was dope.

    So why am I awake, you might wonder?

    Well, I also went to a matinee movie alone that day. It’s an experience that I’m appreciating more. I saw “Get Out”, the first semi-horror movie I’ve watched in years! I loved it, especially the hilarious opening scene with Lakeith Stansfield. He’s one of my favorites. Since I’m Jessica though, I, of course, just woke up from a scary dream about it. Moral of the story: I don’t need to watch anything with a hint of horror. I could barely watch that eerie cartoon, “Courage: The Cowardly Dog”, back in the day.

    This waking-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-while-the-whole-world-seems-sleep-type-of-deal happens often for me. A weird dream or a bathroom trip may cause it, but my thoughts afterward keep me awake. Right now, I’m thinking about tomorrow (technically, later today) and this weekend: helping to drive and chaperone almost 20 middle and high school students on a trip to Chicago. I know it’ll be great, but I’m worrying about not being well-rested because of “Get Out” and how I’m still up, swimming in my thoughts. I’m also thinking about the tremendous amount of pressure I put on myself to have life figured out.

    I have a heart for people. I always obsess over if I’m doing enough to bring radiance and love to others’ lives. I have a heart for Detroit, and I worry that my contributions to the city aren’t sufficient right now. I have a heart for social justice, but I’m not sure how to best fight for it. I have a heart in myself, and I’m journeying to fill it with love. My own love, and God’s love. Yet, it still doesn’t feel up to par. There’s obviously a trend in my life of not feeling like I’m enough.

    Maybe, you’ve been there before in your life. You want to be content. You strive to love yourself, but the “not enough” battle takes over. It dims your self-perspective even while you’re giving light to others. It makes you feel empty even though you were created and are full of life, one reason alone that you are enough.

    Even when I don’t feel adequate, I have to repeatedly say to myself that I am. I am making a positive impact, even if it’s just on one person at a time. I am alive, and this world would not be the same if I were not here. While I hope to love others, I am deserving of my own love. I am a child of God, and I am enough.

    You are enough, too. Happy Friday.

     

     

     

     

  • My Eyes Are Green (‘Cause I Eat A Lot of Vegetables): On Jealously

    My Eyes Are Green (‘Cause I Eat A Lot of Vegetables): On Jealously

    One of my favorite music artists is Erykah Badu. I love her unique style, soulful voice, and the lyrical realness of her songs (I’m thinking of classics like “Appletree”, “Bag Lady”, and “Cleva”, to name a few). I also laugh whenever I see “before and after” pics of rappers she’s dated, like Andre 3000 and Common. It’s hard to imagine that Andre may not have ever created numbers like “Prototype” or Common, “The Light”, without her influence. In essence, her knowledge of self has seemingly attracted and transformed others.

    common.jpg
    Rapper Common before and after dating Erykah Badu, haha

     

    Even with her confidence and out-of-confines creativity, Badu has still had to tackle insecurities like so many of us. My all-time #1 song by Ms. Badu is “Green Eyes”, which was released on her 2000 album ,”Mama’s Gun”. It’s a 10-minute long, genius piece which blends three different sounds into one track. Badu begins with singing,

    “My eyes are green ’cause I eat a lot of vegetables. It don’t have nothing to do with your new girl”.

    As the track unfolds, she evolves from denying jealously of her ex’s new beau to confessing that maybe she does still love him.

    When My Brown Eyes Become Green

    While revisiting “Green Eyes” this past Friday, I felt the urge to confront my own moments of jealously. As a child, I was jealous whenever I wished I could steal popularity from the “cool” girls. Before I began embracing my super thick, coarse hair and brown skin, I completely envied those who were more conventionally beautiful. These days, a swarm of negative thoughts might sting me after I over-consume social media or attend certain social gatherings.

    Though I wish I never coveted others’ gifts and experiences, I sometimes fall short in being grateful for who I am and what I have. At times, I am even afraid to acknowledge whenever I feel jealous. “Shouldn’t I be beyond that struggle?”, I ask myself.

    I am learning, though, that it is important to be honest with myself and God about my battles and feelings, jealously included.

    A few nights ago, I prayed after a few days of struggling to do so. I confessed the recent times when I’ve felt jealous or compared myself to others. I asked for forgiveness, strength, and wisdom to move forward. Soon after, I came across a Bible verse that comforted me:

    “Yes, what joy for those whose record the Lord has cleared of guilt, whose lives are lived in complete honesty!” (Psalm 32, New Living Translation of the Bible)

    I know my heart won’t ever be fully pure and perfect in this life. I’m human, and shortcomings will continue to reveal themselves. Yet, I hope to become intentional about overcoming jealously as much as possible.

    May my love for others, for myself, and for God become less bounded by personal discontent. May my eyes see the beauty of another’s existence and experience without diminishing my own. May yours do the same.

    “Your eye is a lamp that provides light for your body. When your eye is good, your whole body is filled with light. But when your eye is bad, your whole body is filled with darkness. And if the light you think you have is actually darkness, how deep that darkness is!” (Matthew 6:22-23, New Living Translation of the Bible)

  • A Morning Poem About Love

    A Morning Poem About Love

    I opened my eyes this morning,

    Fought the tease to stay hidden

    underneath linen comforts

    Last night, I left my phone in another room

    so its screen wouldn’t swallow me

    before I could even savor the day.

    I took a long, hot shower.

    Though I felt guilty for not conserving water,

    It was too hard to resist the pouring medicine.

    I dried myself in anticipation for the raw shea butter that could then

    Smooth my skin,

    And I took my skin in, eczema, Black, and all.

    In awe.

    I brushed my teeth and clothed myself,

    remembering that as God dresses the wildflowers,

    Beautiful and Unworried,

    So he would provide for me.

    I toasted two frozen Strawberry Eggos,

    (Because I’ve never been the bougie type)

    You know the kind with the likely artificial fruit,

    And I burned them to an edible brown.

     

    Before I walked out the door,

    I prayed that I would love myself today –

    Even if I would get no applause from the world.

     

    fullsizerender
    On New Year’s Eve 2016, I bought this poetry journal from Five Below. I think it was a good investment.

     

  • Social Media Anxiety: A Love/Hate Story

    Social Media Anxiety: A Love/Hate Story

    I was in the 6th grade when I created my first social media account. Unbeknownst to my mom, I spent hours perfecting my Bebo profile and messaging friends. Two years later, in 2007, I logged into Facebook for the first time. In the beginning, I exchanged pokes (who does that anymore), had wall-to-wall convos, wrote random notes about my favorite songs, and shared statuses like this:

    @ll of th!$ hom3work !$ !rr!t@t!ng lolz

    translation: all of this homework is irritating laughing out loud (plural)

    I also posted embarrassing and over-edited photos, like:

    I really thought I was fly in this photo. shoutout to the broom, dustpan, and plastic bag holding it down in the back!
    j-mizzle, really?

    In the 12 years since I first used social media, I’ve stuck with Facebook, loved and broke up with Twitter/Tumblr, and interacted with others on Snapchat and Instagram. These platforms have granted me a lot of positive experiences. Facebook and Instagram, especially the former, have fed my nostalgia with countless memories. While I was still on Twitter, award shows were my favorite because folks always had the most hilarious commentary (especially during the BET Awards). Following August 9, 2014, I realized the crucial role of social media in Ferguson and the larger movement for Black lives. Although I wasn’t on Canfield Drive when Michael Brown was shot, Twitter gave me an alternative news outlet to stay informed. All of these sites have also helped me stay “connected” to people from Detroit, Stanford, Cape Town, and other places.

    Even with all of its benefits, social media has definitely contributed to my struggle with anxiety. Recently, I was diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. For years, I’ve been a persistent worrier, so it’s not totally surprising news. Yet, I’m attempting to process the various ways in which anxiety has taken shape in my life. When I use social media, anxiety often resembles:

    • Wrestling with validation

      Sometimes, I take 10 selfies before I can post one that I think will receive likes. When I post statuses, I wonder how they’ll be received. My blog is also personal and honest, so I am always nervous to share my posts on other platforms. What will people think about me as I share my life beyond the highlights?

    • Feeling suffocated by information

      One prime example… during the Presidential Election, I had to take numerous breaks from Facebook because everything was more than everything. It was too much. When I’m not careful, I spend so much time scrolling through the never-ending media on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat.

    • Comparing myself to others

      On social media, I mostly see people’s high points: relationships, successes, and just seemingly vibrant lives. It’s a blessing to see, but it is always tempting to compare my journey (that I know so well) to their journeys (that I may only know about on a purely surface level).

    • Craving more genuine connections

      Social media keeps me in the know about the life snippets that people choose to share. Yet, it always leaves me hungry for more. How are people really doing? That question holds me accountable to maintaining real friendships and being open to new connections that blossom beyond the digital realm.

     

    I don’t know what reconciling my participation in social media looks like. Frequently, I want to cut it out of my life altogether. Yet, its positives along with my addictive usage keep me involved.

    Have you found healthy ways to use social media? If so, please let me know by posting a comment!

     

  • Feeling Anxious About 2017?

    Feeling Anxious About 2017?

    You are not alone.

    As 2017 approaches, I’m hopeful about the possibilities of growth, adventure, and wisdom. Yet, there is a lingering anxiety about what’s in store, too. In January alone, Trump’s taking office, I’m turning a year older, and sunshine will feel increasingly coated by winter.

    To sustain myself in the new year, there are a few rhythms and reminders that I strive to embody.

    Grace

    I’m the type of person who may make a mistake and swim in guilt long after God’s forgiven me.

    I’m the type of person who decorates vision boards and pretty journals with goals. Often times, I fall short of accomplishing them as I’ve imagined. I lose enthusiasm along the way.

    I forget to extend myself grace for being human.

    I forget to replenish myself with God’s love and move on, unburdened by shame.

    It’s time to remember.

    Gratitude

    This past summer, I started a gratitude box. Before sleeping, I try to write down moments throughout the day that motivated, taught, or filled me with joy. If I ever get kind notes from friends, those are placed inside my box as well. Whenever I feel trampled by fear, worry, or emptiness, this practice reminds me that my life also abounds with blessings.

    img_1031

    Pace

    My life moves at its own pace. It doesn’t move in the same rhythm as that of my family, best friends, colleagues, or Facebook friends.

    By better accepting this reality, my life will hopefully be more filled with peace than concerned by pace.

    Validation

    Who validates you? 

    One of my greatest flaws is caring too much about others’ opinions of me. I love being kind, but sometimes, I can be overly accommodating. Or, my whole day and night’s sleep can be ruined over a harsh comment or even anxiety about not pleasing everyone.

    As a result, there’s a biblical verse to which I aspire. In Galatians 1:10, Paul says,

    “Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”

    Dear You,

    Thank you for reading my blog entry. In the midst of whatever trials you face, I hope you find joy and wisdom in 2017. I pray you feel loved by those who matter, including yourself. I pray that you willingly receive grace. As I pray for you, I pray the same for myself.

    With love,

    Jess

     

  • “Can’t Stop Me Now”

    “Can’t Stop Me Now”

    Tell depression it can fly away
    Tell my doubts that they can die today
    I’ma catch me a wave, sail away
    Can’t stop me now

    “Can’t Stop Me Now” (Destination) by Lecrae

    A few days ago, Lecrae released a new song entitled “Can’t Stop Me Now”. It’s vulnerable and encouraging, so I thought that I’d share the lyric video.

    ***

    Last week, I decided to unplug from all social media for a month or so. It wasn’t easy deactivating my Facebook and deleting my Instagram and Snapchat apps. However, I’ve been struggling so much with comparing my life to the way that others’ lives are portrayed on social media.

    Tonight, I slipped up and logged into Instagram’s online platform. Not a good idea. I fell into the same trap of partly admiring people’s photos and more often envying the photogenic, clever, and fun updates shared on my timeline.

    After spending nearly an hour catching up on posts, I logged out and didn’t gain an ounce of fulfillment.

    ***

    I mostly share my blog posts through social media, so it’s a bit weird just posting new entries without sharing them on Facebook.

    If you’re reading this entry, thank you for your support! If you feel comfortable doing so, please pray for my strength. Pray that I will become more content with who I was created to be and that I will grow more conscious of all the blessings that enrich my life.

     

     

     

     

     

     

  • Reminiscing on Kendrick’s “Faith”

    Reminiscing on Kendrick’s “Faith”

    This for my people that stressing whenever times is hard
    Your mind’s slipping, wondering, “Is there really a God?”
    Knowing you shouldn’t think that way and trying to freeze your brain
    But whenever there’s pain, that feeling forever remains
    We can’t believe what we can’t see and reality seems stronger than prayer
    Cause you tried to change your life, and now you live in a wheelchair
    And your son was born with cancer and he live in urgent care
    At the tender age of 12, and you feel that no one cares
    Searching for answers, that’s human nature, you ain’t in the wrong
    Just know when you feeling that way His Spirit’s in the room
    I watched people I know pray and catch the Holy Ghost
    And wonder why I ain’t ever caught that feeling before
    Maybe they know Him better, or I don’t know no better
    But what I do know, is that He’s real and He lives forever
    So the next time you feel like your world’s about to end
    I hope you studied because He’s testing your faith again

    “Faith” by Kendrick Lamar feat Punch, Verse 4 (genius.com)

    In high school, I remember doubting my life.

    Questioning if I even believed in God anymore, I couldn’t fathom how He could love me. If my existence perished, I was convinced that the world would quickly move on unscathed.

    Over time, I rededicated my life to Christ after going to church with a best friend. That step renewed my desire to live for God and love more like Him with each day. It also restored the possibility of having victory over my battles.

    I later attempted to prioritize my faith in college – joining and leading Bible studies, singing with the gospel choir, taking on leadership in the Black community, and finding friends and support systems that grounded me in hope. While these experiences were instrumental in shaping my growth, I easily became discouraged whenever obstacles, familiar and new, arose. All of the “baby” and major steps that I climbed in acts of faith threatened to crumble.

    ***

    “Faith” was one of the songs that introduced me to my favorite rapper, Kendrick Lamar. (Some of you who know me well may be surprised, but to clarify, Tupac is my favorite artist, not rapper). Included on the Kendrick Lamar EP (2009), this track wrestles with the experience of mustering faith only to lose it in an instant. Kendrick and featured rapper/Top Dawg Entertainment founder, Punch, narrate the imperfect journey of themselves and others, like the:

    “single Black parent from Compton…Looked to the heavens and asked Him to make a better way/Then got a letter in the mail, lost her Section 8/Then lost her faith again.”

    I was compelled to write this post after listening to Kendrick’s words again. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how it can be incredibly difficult to, one, have faith, and two, pursue spiritual growth with enthusiasm. According to the New Living Translation of the Bible,

    “Faith is the confidence that what we hope for will actually happen; it gives us assurance about things we cannot see.” (Hebrews 11:1, NLT)

    I’ve recently been feeling too lazy to go to church or read my Bible. I have been frustrated with not knowing how God wants me to advocate for social justice. My goal to pray more remains unaccomplished. I’m also still encountering fears that require nothing shy of faith to overcome.

    Everything about my relationship with God seems to be currently lagging, and this challenge is difficult to admit. Yet, perhaps, it helps to be honest about the high, mundane, and low points of pursuing faith.

    I’m wondering how others have persevered, or are persevering, through similar struggles. In today’s times, what does it look like to sustain faith?