It’s roughly 4am, and of course, I’m awake.
This week, I had a day off from work, and I decided to make it a great day. After waking up, I mulled over worries, but I spent most of the day seeking simple moments of joy and rest.
There were small successes, like the tasty breakfast I made, which included real hash browns (potatoes are the best if you didn’t know). I caught up on mundane adult tasks, like getting an oil change and buying more vitamins. My favorites are the gummy bear types that taste like candy (I adult in my own way). I’ve been slowly reading through Maya Angelou’s autobiographies, too, which I hope to have done by her birthday in April. I caught up on reading her stories while at a coffee shop, and didn’t even have to spend my own money for hot cocoa. I love gift cards! To top it off, my afro puff was glorious, so the day was dope.
So why am I awake, you might wonder?
Well, I also went to a matinee movie alone that day. It’s an experience that I’m appreciating more. I saw “Get Out”, the first semi-horror movie I’ve watched in years! I loved it, especially the hilarious opening scene with Lakeith Stansfield. He’s one of my favorites. Since I’m Jessica though, I, of course, just woke up from a scary dream about it. Moral of the story: I don’t need to watch anything with a hint of horror. I could barely watch that eerie cartoon, “Courage: The Cowardly Dog”, back in the day.
This waking-up-in-the-middle-of-the-night-while-the-whole-world-seems-sleep-type-of-deal happens often for me. A weird dream or a bathroom trip may cause it, but my thoughts afterward keep me awake. Right now, I’m thinking about tomorrow (technically, later today) and this weekend: helping to drive and chaperone almost 20 middle and high school students on a trip to Chicago. I know it’ll be great, but I’m worrying about not being well-rested because of “Get Out” and how I’m still up, swimming in my thoughts. I’m also thinking about the tremendous amount of pressure I put on myself to have life figured out.
I have a heart for people. I always obsess over if I’m doing enough to bring radiance and love to others’ lives. I have a heart for Detroit, and I worry that my contributions to the city aren’t sufficient right now. I have a heart for social justice, but I’m not sure how to best fight for it. I have a heart in myself, and I’m journeying to fill it with love. My own love, and God’s love. Yet, it still doesn’t feel up to par. There’s obviously a trend in my life of not feeling like I’m enough.
Maybe, you’ve been there before in your life. You want to be content. You strive to love yourself, but the “not enough” battle takes over. It dims your self-perspective even while you’re giving light to others. It makes you feel empty even though you were created and are full of life, one reason alone that you are enough.
Even when I don’t feel adequate, I have to repeatedly say to myself that I am. I am making a positive impact, even if it’s just on one person at a time. I am alive, and this world would not be the same if I were not here. While I hope to love others, I am deserving of my own love. I am a child of God, and I am enough.
You are enough, too. Happy Friday.