Roots & Hope

Soulful Reflections on Faith, Healing, and Young Adulting

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Since Feb. 2016, I’ve encouraged myself and others on this honest blog, Roots and Hope. I love to share my heart about faith, mental health, & young adulting.
  • Peace Beyond Understanding

    Peace Beyond Understanding

    I am preparing to go to the doctor for what seems like the 100th time in the past year. Currently, I’m experiencing some mysterious health conditions. I feel simultaneously annoyed and humored. When I visit the doctor, the receptionist just welcomes me and says, “Hi, Jess”. Loneliness, too, has haunted me in cycles. I have questioned my personality and my contributions as a living being. I have wondered if it is realistic be a secure, young woman in a Instagram world.

    Wildly though, I am still amazed. I am learning that peace can grow and survive in spite of challenging circumstances.

    Journaling my prayers has been crucial for grounding my thoughts, including my fears, worries, embarrassments, and excitement. With my black gel pen, I walk God through a tour of my heart and mind. Sure, He already knows me fully, but journaling helps me to feel less alone in my struggles. It’s a reminder that I have a friend in God. Plus, I am easily distracted so it helps me big time to write and process. Being more consistent with writing words of gratitude, asking him for strength, and getting specific with my prayers has been a game changer.

    If you are an overthinking human like me or just someone hoping to lose an outstanding weight (the weight of worry, the weight of heartbreak, the weight of whatever), I invite you to be creative in your outlet for prayer. You can be honest and unfiltered with God. You don’t have to worry about sounding like a broken record to the creator who delights in hearing you. Would you consider starting a journal? One advantage to writing some of your prayers is that you can literally look back on your journey and God’s faithfulness. When life presents stubborn battles, you can still experience a peace that exceeds all understanding.

  • (Extra)ordinary Moments

    (Extra)ordinary Moments

    After church today, I went to a grocery store that I frequent often. This time though, I wore my flowery dress, and I chose not to dim my light. Walking through neat aisles of packages, prices, and produce, I held my head high. I smiled because I felt free.

    I noticed that when I carried myself confidently, radiance was inevitable.

    Truthfully, I often avoid shining in the sun of my own skin. It attracts attention. It’s vulnerable.

    On this Resurrection Day, this day when I felt radiant, I’m grateful. Beyond moments of shining to others, I always shine to God.

    “but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
    To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.” (Psalm 139:12-14)

  • A Little Prayer

    A Little Prayer

    When the fear that she is forgotten drops on her window like a fallen icicle,

    she consoles her startled soul with a quiet prayer,

    “Lord, may I be more than a snowflake,

    Intricate and unique,

    Only to melt away.

    Remember me, God.

    Amen.”

  • Soulful Serenades

    Soulful Serenades

    “Tell me what I gotta do to please you. Baby, anything you say, I’ll do. Cuz I only wanna make you happy. From the bottom of my heart, it’s true! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!”

    (These are crucial lines + adlibs from “I Wanna Know”, a ’90s R&B classic sung by Joe. Warning: Don’t even think about singing this song unless you put your whole gut into it.)

    …

    There’s something freeing about giving private concerts, being the lead singer and not caring about who is in the audience. I’ll sing to my steering wheel, the blue sky, and the innumerable cars changing lanes without blinkers. Singing my favorite songs mellows my road rage and fuels me up in between destinations.

    I’ll tell you straight up that I haven’t an ounce of singing talent. I’m confident though that I could kill a karaoke stage. If I felt free enough…

    It’s amazing how we can sometimes experience glimpses of what it’s like to be more present and simply happy. Like if someone caught me in those loud serenading moments, I imagine they’d laugh and say,

    “You. better. go. in.”

    “Get it, Jess.”

    “Ooh, this must be your song.”

    I cherish my concerts like unexpected checks in the mail. It is a joy to sing my favorite jams during what could otherwise be monotonous drives. To embody freedom with the soundtrack of a perfect playlist. To be and sing with the voice God’s given me.

  • The Honest Struggle

    The Honest Struggle

    Every day

    is an honest struggle

    to fight the fear

    that I am forever alone,

    a war against mental snipers and automatic thoughts:

    Always forgotten,

    Always forgettable,

    Always unlovable,

    Always broken,

    Always left out,

    Always invisible,

    Always boring,

    And ugly,

    And hurting.

    Always empty and half-enough.

     

    Nothing stabs me like the days

    I’m given to try again,

    the mornings I wake up on a mission

    to face myself with love.

    Discouragement always seems to remember its way,

    stalking me until I want to surrender,

    but still, I keep going.

     

    Every day is an honest struggle,

    but no matter how dark the clouds

    Or how much my chest feels swallowed up in anguish,

    I’ll keep writing

    and hoping

    and crying

    and praying

    and asking God the hurting questions.

     

    I’ll keep believing that there are miracles inside my pain,

    Scars that will shine with a beautiful, brave glory,

    confident in their testimony that healing is real.

  • Young & Adulting

    Young & Adulting

    These days burst with quiet successes,

    no rounds of applause for being you and showing up.

    These years,

    you search for things you don’t always know how to name.

    You reach for the fame of being known by people who will see you,

    sliver by sliver until you’re bare,

    bare being, bare heart, bare scars,

    Bearing imperfections that are only human.

    You crave to be known by others who won’t dispose of you

    When your trash accumulates,

    Who won’t reject you when you have nothing to give,

    except yourself.

    These days,

    you wonder if people who’ve left your story

    are still snugged by sudden memories of your quirks,

    your laugh,

    your face when you confidently sang off-key.

    You hope that you’re thought of,

    even on silent nights

    when your phone is inactive,

    awakened only by anxious taps.

    You pray that one day,

    you will care more

    about being remembered

    for the thickness of your love

    than the thinness of others’ opinions.

    In these years,

    some moments will be surprise parties,

    and some occasions will hurt

    like private funerals.

    You’ll learn to celebrate yourself.

    You’ll grieve failures and disappointments

    on your own timeline.

    These years,

    please accept grace.

    Please face yourself

    With the bravery of an honest gaze.

    You are here,

    growing.

  • Speaking Life: Persevering through Anxiety & Depression

    Speaking Life: Persevering through Anxiety & Depression

    For the past few weeks, I’ve been visiting Central Baptist Church in Northwest Detroit.

    During church today, the pastor taught about depression while referring to a Biblical story in 1 Kings 19: 3-18. He said something like,

    Being depressed is not a sin. It does not mean that I’m spiritually disconnected or a bad Christian. There are times in life when you have to deal with being overwhelmed in a broken world.

    According to his message, some of the most faithful people in the Bible faced times of depression. These individuals included Elijah, Jonah, Job, Jeremiah, David, and perhaps, even Jesus when he felt anguish in the Garden of Gethsemane. Even still, God is not afraid to find us and be present in the darkness. Though we may feel worthless or defeated, He can remind us of our purpose to strengthen us forward. The pastor also affirmed that there is no shame in praying and seeking professional support.

    While reflecting on this sermon, I thought about my own struggles with mental health. It has always been somewhat easier for me to share that I have anxiety. However, I have felt more ashamed about experiencing depression. I feared that God could not use my feelings of sadness, loneliness, and inadequacy. What if my imperfections and internal battles compromised His good plan for me?

    Early last week, I challenged myself to do one thing: speak life. I came across a Bible passage where David encourages himself with a reminder.

    Let all that I am wait quietly before God, for my hope is in him. He alone is my rock and salvation, my fortress where I cannot be shaken. My victory and honor come from God alone. He is my refuge, a rock where no enemy can reach me (Psalm 62: 5-7).

    Reciting this verse has renewed my mind. Though my challenging circumstances have not yet changed, my perspective is broadening. I acknowledge my pain, but I also recognize my Hope. I am convinced that the bruises of my life are meaningful. Even if I never fully understand my obstacles, I can help others by how I am overcoming them – breath by breath.

    Here are a few examples of how I’m trying to speak life (words that are kind, victorious, and honest):

    • When I look in the mirror and feel unsatisfied: “I don’t feel good about how I look right now, but God loves it. He gave me this smile, this skin, this hair, this stature, and this body. Beyond my appearance, He gave me my heart and my life. I am way more beautiful than I how feel right now.”
    • When I look at my bank account and feel anxious: “I don’t exactly know when things will turn around, but I really need them to. God will provide all my needs. Let me pray for direction in how to move forward. It won’t be like this always.”
    • When I feel lonely: “Nothing can separate me from God’s love. He completes me in ways that no human can. I also have some good people in my life even if I can’t see them all the time. I am a great friend, too.”

    Do you ever struggle with anxiety and/or depression? What are little (big) routines that you practice to help you persevere?

  • If You’ve Felt Like a Failure in 2018, This Message is for You

    If You’ve Felt Like a Failure in 2018, This Message is for You

    Shivering in the driver’s seat of my parked hatchback, I called one of my best friends who picked up after the first ring. I confessed to her that I was struggling in every area of my life. I was afraid of not only becoming a failure but also looking like one to everyone else.

    **

    2018 began beautifully. In January, I had just finished a “self-love project”. I celebrated my 24th birthday by spending quality time with friends and family. I felt so loved, blessed, and hopeful about life!

    As the year went on though, every day became a battle. I lost peace, sleep, and resources. I felt more depressed than I had in years. My anxiety was at an all-time high. I lost my first dating relationship, too.

    Burned out by everything, I literally lacked the strength to stand at times. I didn’t feel whole.

    My perspective shifted from that of hope to defeat. Some days, I wanted to ask God, “What’s next?”. I just knew that I was going to experience another setback.

    Yet, I am so grateful that my year and my story are not over. I can be proud of my perseverance. I can believe that God is changing my life for the better. I can thank Him for all the gifts that I definitely received in 2018. In my times of struggle, amazing supporters uplifted me time and time again. Every letter, postcard, ice cream party, hangout, check-in, and prayer helped me carry on. That’s love!

    I lived a lot of 2018 believing that I wasn’t good enough. I believed that temporary hardships permanently defined me.

    To move forward, I have no choice but to stop living in mental defeat. I can’t just write about it or talk about it. I have to prioritize healing and encourage myself daily. It won’t be easy, but maybe, there is huge power in taking small steps.

    Before the new year even begins, I am committing to regularly exercising again, speaking kind words to myself every morning, and laughing whenever possible.

    If 2018’s been challenging for you, what’s something kind that you can do for yourself moving forward?

  • When It’s Difficult to Trust the Process

    When It’s Difficult to Trust the Process

    In this age of social media, we often see the accomplishment but not the process. Beautiful posts of highlights about career advances, graduations, relationship milestones, and vacations may decorate our newsfeeds. It can seem inevitable to measure ourselves against these accessible snippets of others’ experiences. Yet, what if the heavy feeling of comparison could weigh less with the perspective of trusting our own process?

    To illustrate, I will share some of my own story.

    Since graduating from college three years ago, there have been two areas of my life that I’ve worried about most: finances and people.

    Most recently, I have lost some sleep due to uncertainty about affording graduate school next year. By faith, I applied to a Master of Social Work program that feels purposeful and exciting. Now, following through on that faith and trusting that everything will work out, financially and otherwise, is a challenge. It is also my opportunity for amazing growth!

    Consistently since college, too, I have prayed to have a loving support system in Detroit in addition to my family. Though this area of my life is still in development, God has blessed me with some great people already. I’m choosing to believe that seeds are being planted and will blossom eventually. In the meantime, I will strive to embody the kindness, vulnerability, and uplift that I seek to receive.

    —

    It is vital for me to remember that none of my ambitions and heartfelt dreams will manifest on their own. They come along with a process that is often times hidden from public view, difficult, uncertain, and seemingly delayed. Yet, every step counts.

    When I believe in the process of my own journey, I mourn my losses, learn some lessons, and celebrate all wins. I am better able to honor others’ victories because I know that they are also living through their own steps. There is a much bigger, beautiful picture incapable of being fully shared on our profiles.

  • Day 21: Moving Forward

    Day 21: Moving Forward

    Being encouraged doesn’t come automatically. It requires a real push of intentionality. Thank you so much for joining this journey with me. ❤