It is a common belief that 21 days of consistent, repeated actions are necessary to build a habit. To live my best life, one habit that I have to continually practice is encouraging myself. For the next 21 days, I invite you to join me on this journey. I will share uplifting reflections each day that I welcome you to also speak over your life!
Roots & Hope
Soulful Reflections on Faith, Healing, and Young Adulting
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On November 15, I spent my hour-long lunch break eating my usual leftovers and doing some introspection. I realized that I was fed up. In my relationships, personal and otherwise, I’ve strived to be consistent and (impossibly) perfectly pleasing. “Show up and do all that you can to prove you’re worthy even if it means sacrificing your joy and well-being.” I ultimately spoke these words to myself with how I lived. My understanding of self-worth was dependent on how I felt others validated my performance.
My story, in this right, is not unique. Perhaps, you, too, have attached 100% value to craving others’ affirmations. Maybe, your track record for committing to people’s needs and wants is impeccable. Yet, your history of committing to self-improvement and spiritual growth isn’t nearly as robust. You are not alone!
In recent months, I’ve spent hours on YouTube watching motivational videos and sermons. I’ve taken multiple, extended breaks from social media. I have cried many tears in private, prayed, and reflected on my years of negative self-talk and endless cravings to be liked and accepted. I decided to take on a new challenge because I hungered for a positive life change.
“60 Days of Self-Love”
I self-consciously jotted these words in bubble letters inside my multi-purpose journal. I anchored this challenge with four goals:
- Cultivate routines and opportunities for self-love as a 24th birthday gift to myself. (My birthday is on January 15 – shout out to MLK Day!)
- Love myself as an indirect gift to others.
- Love myself as a way to glorify God.
- Accept grace on days when it’s difficult to love myself.
Ideally, I would go no longer than two to three days without journaling about my self-love journey.
Since beginning this challenge over a month ago, I’ve learned a few lessons about loving one’s self.
- You Are Loved: God’s precious thoughts about you outweigh the grains of sand. You are beautifully and wonderfully made (Psalms 139). He set the stars, moon, and entire universe in place; yet, he cares for you immensely, created you with significance, and crowned you with glory and honor (Psalms 8).
- Your Health Needs Attention: Maintaining awareness of your health is crucial to help you feel your best. For me, learning to better prioritize my physical and mental well-being is especially important. I worked out at the gym for the first time, something I’ve put off for a long time. I try to be more mindful of what foods best nourish me (I still treat myself to ice cream though!). Also, I refuse to let fear, shame, or even my to-do list prevent me from striving toward mental wellness.
- Reflect and Document Your Journey: A good friend gave me this advice early on. Journaling has been my primary method of reflection. Although it’s not always easy to process the challenges that come with learning self-love, it’s ultimately worth it. Writing in my journal has also been an effective way to practice expressing gratitude.
- Try Again: Remember grace and keep going when you inevitably have moments of not thriving with self-love.
- Walk It (Faith) Out: Is DJ Unk’s “Walk it Out” playing in your head too? Or is it just me? Haha, seriously though, take some risks for which faith is vital. Have you been putting off a necessary conversation with a family member or a toxic friend? Is there a new experience you’ve always wanted to try but been too scared to explore? Do you want to try wearing makeup or showing off your natural cosmetic-free face? Are you ready to say “no” or “no longer” to someone or something even though you may no longer be liked? I’ve been thinking about tough questions like these, and attempting to faith life out.
- Have Some Fun: Encourage yourself in the mirror. Dance in your living room to your favorite Michael Jackson videos. Laugh in your signature way. Take a billion selfies and post one or don’t post one. Okay, I’m exposing myself now!
Most of my self-love victories are quiet, behind-the-scenes accomplishments. The outside world can’t hear the prayers that I have with God, my bathroom pep-talks, or even the encouraging thoughts I’m beginning to meditate on in my mind. Yet, those hidden wins matter so much and will, over time, blossom into a Jessica who loves herself wholeheartedly.
This challenge began as a birthday gift to myself. Yet, I’m blessed and excited to also gift others with a reminder that all hope is not lost. Your past battles with low self-esteem do not have to define the course of your now and your future. It’s never too late to begin and re-begin the journey of self-love.
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My closet is a friend of simplicity. I own one pair of each shoe type (gym shoes, flats, fall boots, winter boots, sandals, and heels that I rarely wear). The same goes for most of my clothing and the select pieces of furniture resting in my apartment. Without realizing it, I have a become a budding minimalist.
According to the “The Minimalists” website,
Minimalism is a tool to rid yourself of life’s excess in favor of focusing on what’s important—so you can find happiness, fulfillment, and freedom.
My rising intentionality about what I own is largely due to personality and somewhat due to circumstance. These factors influence my relationships with material possessions:
- Clutter easily overwhelms me. As someone who is prone to feeling anxious, it is helpful for me to avoid a “mess of excess”. The more I procrastinate with washing dishes, folding clothes, or doing other home related tasks, the easier it is for me to feel stressed. Owning fewer items assists with minimizing the potential for clutter.
- I want to remember two things: responsibility and gratitude. Do I regularly use and take care of all that I have? Am I depending on them in an unhealthy way? Have I thanked God lately for the items that I own? Every few months or so, I try to go through my possessions and let go of what I don’t even truly want.
- Can I give? Can I live? Bills, bills, and more bills are real. To top it off, I’m far from reaching mastery at budgeting. However, I’m hoping to spend less on things and more on people, causes, and adventures. This goal means making sacrifices here and there. Although I’m a book-worm, for instance, I mostly borrow books from the library rather than purchasing them. This choice means that I don’t have a massive, impressive collection of books to my name. However, I can save a few bucks for other hopefully fulfilling purposes.
- What rings authentic for me? Do I have what I have to solely impress others? At the end of the day, I want to love and know myself enough to own items reflective of my creativity, style, needs, and passions. Rather than comparing my possessions to others’, I want to remember that contentment is always attainable, regardless of material wealth.
I am clearly still processing what minimalism looks like for me. What excites me, though, is its potential to become a disciplined, creative part of my self-care journey.
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Two weekends ago, I rode on an Amtrak train and remained entertained in my window seat.
Highlight #1: I created a new Spotify playlist that I called “easy listening”. Still under construction, it is already an audible museum, 90% of which honors British soul singers.
Highlight #2: I began reading A Tree Grows in Brooklyn, the first piece of fiction I’ve loved in over a year.
Highlight #3: I briefly revisited a favorite hobby from childhood: watching Michael Jackson’s cinematic masterpieces (“music videos” to some).
Highlight #4: On the way home, I didn’t travel alone. I returned with my two college best friends. They visited Detroit, a place that I shouted out so much while at Stanford. My life, aside from college, gained texture for them. They saw a bit of my city, my old neighborhood, and some seeds, good and worse, that are currently sprouting. I’m grateful for this memory.
Two weeks since then, I’ve eased back into routines, walked into some triumphs, and am persevering through challenges. I am drinking more water. I am getting far less sleep. I am spending less time on Instagram but too much time on Facebook. I am memorizing Bible passages that encourage me, but I am not praying as much as I’d like. I consistently attend therapy, and I am gradually learning to manage my anxiety. I am even learning how to take better care of my hair thanks to fellow natural haired Facebook friends. Some things are going well while others are not. It’s life.
In the midst of it all, I’ve been thinking a lot about how much time I dedicate to Listening. While with friends and most of my family, I ask most of the questions. I love to learn about people’s lives, interests, and hypothetical approaches to situations (prompted by reflective questions like, “What would you do if fear wasn’t an obstacle?”). I inquire about random information and key events that friends share with me. I am not nearly as skilled in discussing myself, a habit of my own doing. I am so accustomed to primarily having a listening role in conversations. Perhaps, it’s a vulnerability challenge.
I listen to voices, often negative, in my head, too. “You’re not good enough”, “You’re not likeable”, and “What if you fail?” are terrible songs, but I know the lyrics and haven’t yet stopped playing them. It’s a bumpy journey of trying to hear what’s really true and tune out the rest.
I will likely always be a listener, but balance is essential. I also need to express myself, and writing helps me along that process.
I haven’t written genuinely in so long, it seems. Writing lets me share – whether privately in a journal or publicly on a blog post. It helps me realize my strengths, confront my weaknesses, and combat them by naming them first. With all of its benefits, I have neglected writing so many times.
I am reminding myself to tap into this form of my voice and honor its power.
What meaningful practice are you missing in your life? It is always okay to recommit (over and over again) to doing what replenishes you.
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On a whim, I decided to bake chocolate chip cookies from scratch. I enjoyed a day of much needed rest and watched Love and Basketball for the umpteenth time. Things were going great. Yet, I had a sweet tooth and absolutely no ice cream in my freezer. There was no way I would end my chill day by getting dressed and going out for dessert.
After scrolling through Google, I found a promising cookie recipe that aligned with my kitchen’s ingredients. 25 minutes later, I took my ruined cookies out of the oven, all I could do was laugh. Beforehand, I planned on taking a victory photo of my sweet creation. While my cooking is adequate now, I aspire to one day serve up greatness for family and friends. This time though, I made flat and inedible cookies, and shared the failure on Snapchat.
Although this evening’s defeat was just about baked goods, it made me think about mistakes in life. I struggle with not being perfect for myself and everyone all the time. Sometimes, I don’t make great decisions, and on occasion, I allow fear to prevent me from being my whole self. Those moments when I’ve sacrificed authenticity and dimmed my light just to “belong” have crushed me the most.
I am tempted to dwell on my mistakes and punish myself long enough to keep pain alive. How I hope to grow, however, is by learning to derive wisdom from my misjudgments. The next time I bake cookies, I’ll adjust my ingredients or use a different recipe that’s more suitable for me. The next time I inevitably make a weightier mistake, I will likely mull over it and feel some shame. Yet, I will also pray for forgiveness, confront my humanity, and try to do better the next time around.
For now, I guess I’ll cope with my sorry fail at chocolate chip cookies, and fix of bowl of cereal instead.
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For five days, I lay on my couch alternating between tears, groans, and sleep.
Last Friday, I underwent a relatively minor surgical procedure. Although I expected to later feel some discomfort, I instead faced what felt like tremendous pain. Due to the throbbing, aches, and my medication, I lost much of my appetite and took countless naps. I also couldn’t walk well, and take care of myself like I hoped.
I had to take on a few practices that are honestly difficult for me:
- Allowing others to help me: Helping others brings me joy and fullness. However, I am absolutely fearful of asking others for support. Perhaps, it’s rooted in the fear of being a burden or sometimes, pride. This past week though, I undeniably needed support. I’m grateful for those who sacrificed their time and resources to look out for me and my responsibilities. Prime example: shout out to my mom for visiting every day to make sure I was fed and hydrated!
- Shamelessly resting: I don’t know how to rest without feeling guilty. I can blame it on today’s fast-paced culture. I can blame it on my self-imposed pressures. Regardless, I seriously needed to relax and recover from my surgery and just trying to do so much in the weeks beforehand. While awake, I watched a lot of PBS (the Create and World channels…I am not paying for cable lol). I also began watching Freaks and Geeks on Netflix. Although I’m regaining my physical strength, I want to learn how to more consistently rest without guilt!
- Feeling my pain and crying about it: On a scale of 1 to 10, I can be a 100 in the self-awareness department. Although I quickly acknowledge my emotions, I often attempt to judge and tuck away feelings of sadness, anxiety, and hurt. My judgments and avoidance ironically give those feelings more power to consume me. (Have you ever tried to push a thought out of your mind without confronting it first? Did that thought only cycle again and again in your head?) As I dealt with post-op physical pain, I had no choice but to confront what my medication couldn’t ease. I cried it out (and shouted some moments). Over time, the pain thankfully lessened. This experience compelled me, an aspiring confident and authentic woman, to question,
- How can I step outside of my comfort zone and become more vulnerable with myself and with others?
- How can I open up more to God? Praying consistently and openly has been a real struggle for me lately.
In the midst of difficulty, I am grateful for renewal. Although I am still healing physically, it felt amazing to walk outside today, drive to my doctor’s office with the windows rolled down, and absorb the fresh air.
I know that more physical, spiritual, and emotional hardships are to come. Some might last for a few weeks like my current post-surgery situation and others will possibly last for years.
Through it all, it heartens me to know that I am being renewed daily…
in the deepest of my depths.
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
2 Corinthians 5:16 – 18, New Living Translation, Bible
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March 13, 2017 is the last snowy day that I remember.
After a busy afternoon and early evening of working with 6th and 7th graders, I donned my knee-length, chocolate coat in anticipation for rest. As I walked without certainty to my car (for some reason, I always forget where I park it), I noticed an incredible act of kindness. My co-worker, who also had a full day, was diligently cleaning and scraping the icy snow off of another staff member’s car. Soon, everyone on my team that hadn’t yet departed all pitched in to wipe vehicles. One considerate act illuminated a literal grey day. Everyone’s wintry journey home was made far more bearable.
Maybe, you’re from Michigan, or even more specifically from Detroit like me (it’s so cold in the D, haha). If so, you have likely experienced winters that seem eternal. December until arguably April are abundant with the romanticizing of fairer seasons, the constant hunger for warmth, days depleted of sunshine, and seemingly unapparent growth. In those times, discouragement might feel more tangible than hope.
I have been there, and sometimes, I still cope with this struggle. In tough seasons, I often criticize myself for still battling certain insecurities. I forget to embrace myself with grace, and remember the power of my story.
These past few days, I have tried to refocus on “blooming where I am planted”. All the desires of my heart are not fulfilled. My prayers are still echoing, tears are shed behind closed doors, and everyday is another attempt at faith. Yet, I am comforted that neither my anxieties nor insecurities can keep me from being Loved.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow–not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. (Romans 8:38, New Living Translation of the Bible)
For me, blooming where I am planted resembles a journey toward:
- seeking wisdom from God, Scripture, and trusted people
- sincerely taking interest in the lives of those around me – celebrating the gift of every story
- savoring the joy of small things
- laughing without shame
- sometimes crying, tasting my tears, and remembering that I am human
- getting up and showing up even when I feel anxious
- doing the best that I can, and trying again when I fail
Even Still
Your life, beneath the surface, may not seem Facebook, Instagram, or Snapchat “worthy” right now. Maybe, your #squadgoals or #relationshipgoals feel unsettled or underachieved. Perhaps, your body image, financial situation, or daily routine fail to match your ideals.
Even still, you are loved. This expansive world with billions of souls would not be the same without your imprint. Along the obstacle course of life, you may not feel like you’re growing, but every single day that you wake up and show up means something. You are going to make it, you are going to thrive, and without realizing it, you will inspire someone else to keep going.
Your life is enduring, vulnerable, and imperfect–how puzzling and altogether beautiful?
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On Tuesday night, I couldn’t quite sleep, so I created a new Spotify playlist. I titled it, “Love Yourself”. It is a mix of songs, like Jazmine Sullivan’s “Masterpiece”, Leah Smith’s “Beautifully and Wonderfully Made”, Erykah Badu’s “Cleva”, “Video” by India.Arie (of course), and other “feel good” jams.
I love making playlists because the process reminds me of being in middle school: spending hours on Windows Media Player and burning infinite mix CD’s of R&B and one-hit wonders from the 2000s (Pop Lock and Drop It!). These days, I sometimes feel a pang of regret for not holding onto those expertly curated mixes.
Pure nostalgia wasn’t the catalyst behind my recent Spotify usage though. The truth is I haven’t felt beautiful this week. Rather, I struggled to feel content and grateful for how I am. I easily identified weaknesses and shortcomings, which draped over me like a waterfall and distorted my reflection in the mirror. The inability to grasp my beauty discouraged my self-confidence and diminished my energy. In essence, a battle against fear, of not being beautiful and being seen as such, began…
Again.
Sometimes, I feel like I am attractive and wonderful. It happened in June 2015 when I wore a beautiful cream dress to Stanford’s “Senior Dinner on the Quad”, a few times after I overcame nervousness to perform poetry, and sometimes after reading Psalms 139, a chapter in the Bible that says we are “fearfully and wonderfully made”.
These moments are blessings because for so long, I couldn’t muster that feeling.
Yet, my beauty, at least how I perceive it, is not yet persevering. It comes and goes like likes on a social media post.
I am fighting to sustain faith that God created me with intention and beams on me with marvel. I will not give up because, perhaps, the fullness of life is received only after beauty is truly perceived.
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Sometimes, I feel forgotten. I can stand in a room full of people, and worry that, compared to everyone else, I’m insignificant. I can smile and light up a space, but still feel sad inside.
During college and high school, especially, I experienced moments when I felt mostly hopeless. During those times, my pain seemed like a permanent punishment for some inherent flaw – the thought that I could never be good enough.
Today, I don’t struggle with depression as much as I did back then. In retrospect though, I don’t believe that those past trials were punishments. I thank God for continually gracing me with a story that I can share to support and encourage others.
As I’ve previously written, I am now learning how to live meaningfully, even with my recently diagnosed anxiety disorder.
My life with anxiety looks like:
- boulders of worry dancing on my chest
- a magnetic force binding me and my bed because I’m overwhelmed by life
- tears fighting to stay inside my eyes as fears of inadequacy take over
- the ever-present fear of loneliness
- comparing Jessica to everyone else
Yet, it also looks like this:
- learning to be vulnerable in therapy every two weeks
- practicing gratitude in prayer and with my “gratitude box”
- sharing my journey (e.g. my blog, “Roots and Hope”)
- getting practical (and sometimes sacrificial) with taking care of myself: social media breaks, therapy, alarm clocks, healthier eating, reading the Bible, and fresh air
- feeling fear and living anyway
- learning to celebrate my gifts and talents
- reminding myself that God loves me as I am – weaknesses and all
If you struggle with anxiety like I do, or hopelessness like I have in the past, you are not alone. The sun rises even when the night feels dominant.
Also, I wanted to share two songs that have encouraged me this week!
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You might be worrying about your:
- imperfections
- past mistakes
- awkward moments from yesterday
- adequacy in other people’s eyes
If you are, I empathize with your worries.
I am imperfect. Some days, my tag hangs out of my shirt, and my natural hairstyles don’t always live up to my imagination. While I am generally positive, I have moments when I’m irritable and impatient. As a self-critic, I am vulnerable to frustration and sadness whenever I encounter obstacles.
On the note of imperfection, I make mistakes, regularly. Although I strive to be brave, there are times when I allow fear to dominate my actions. Sometimes, I’ve sacrificed the freedom of being myself in order to be accepted. This mistake is just one example among many.
I can sometimes be an Awkward Black Girl. Shout out to Issa Rae! Just yesterday, I gave several unintended, awkward stares! College, alone, bursted with interactions that were weird, uncomfortable, and quirky. Unexpectedly, some of these awkward moments of discomfort helped me grow.
If you’ve been reading “Roots and Hope” since the beginning, then you know that I also care so much about what others think. This struggle has manifested through anxiety over likes and comments on social media. On April 2, I began an indefinite break from Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat. All of these sites can be fun platforms to “keep up” with others’ lives and thoughts. For me though, they led to envy, comparison, and a need to be validated. I had to take a break, and remind myself that my life is blessed. I had to choose joy by limiting my engagement on these sites. While at work, at church, with loved ones, and with strangers, I have to constantly tell myself, “I’m enough”. If I don’t, I’ll instead attempt to read people’s minds, assume they find fault with me, and let that determine my value.
Being imperfect, falling short, feeling awkward, and seeking approval are some of my experiences. These challenges can feel like barriers that stop me and possibly you from moving forward. If you woke up today, try to remember that it is a NEW day! You are not defined by your quirks or weaknesses. May you feel replenished by the gift of a fresh morning and opportunity to try again.
Roots & Hope 