For five days, I lay on my couch alternating between tears, groans, and sleep.
Last Friday, I underwent a relatively minor surgical procedure. Although I expected to later feel some discomfort, I instead faced what felt like tremendous pain. Due to the throbbing, aches, and my medication, I lost much of my appetite and took countless naps. I also couldn’t walk well, and take care of myself like I hoped.
I had to take on a few practices that are honestly difficult for me:
- Allowing others to help me: Helping others brings me joy and fullness. However, I am absolutely fearful of asking others for support. Perhaps, it’s rooted in the fear of being a burden or sometimes, pride. This past week though, I undeniably needed support. I’m grateful for those who sacrificed their time and resources to look out for me and my responsibilities. Prime example: shout out to my mom for visiting every day to make sure I was fed and hydrated!
- Shamelessly resting: I don’t know how to rest without feeling guilty. I can blame it on today’s fast-paced culture. I can blame it on my self-imposed pressures. Regardless, I seriously needed to relax and recover from my surgery and just trying to do so much in the weeks beforehand. While awake, I watched a lot of PBS (the Create and World channels…I am not paying for cable lol). I also began watching Freaks and Geeks on Netflix. Although I’m regaining my physical strength, I want to learn how to more consistently rest without guilt!
- Feeling my pain and crying about it: On a scale of 1 to 10, I can be a 100 in the self-awareness department. Although I quickly acknowledge my emotions, I often attempt to judge and tuck away feelings of sadness, anxiety, and hurt. My judgments and avoidance ironically give those feelings more power to consume me. (Have you ever tried to push a thought out of your mind without confronting it first? Did that thought only cycle again and again in your head?) As I dealt with post-op physical pain, I had no choice but to confront what my medication couldn’t ease. I cried it out (and shouted some moments). Over time, the pain thankfully lessened. This experience compelled me, an aspiring confident and authentic woman, to question,
- How can I step outside of my comfort zone and become more vulnerable with myself and with others?
- How can I open up more to God? Praying consistently and openly has been a real struggle for me lately.
In the midst of difficulty, I am grateful for renewal. Although I am still healing physically, it felt amazing to walk outside today, drive to my doctor’s office with the windows rolled down, and absorb the fresh air.
I know that more physical, spiritual, and emotional hardships are to come. Some might last for a few weeks like my current post-surgery situation and others will possibly last for years.
Through it all, it heartens me to know that I am being renewed daily…
in the deepest of my depths.
That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.
2 Corinthians 5:16 – 18, New Living Translation, Bible