Today, I am nervous about what’s on my to-do list. To get out of bed, I had to tell myself that things are going to work out. “I can do this.” ❤
Roots & Hope
Soulful Reflections on Faith, Healing, and Young Adulting
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I can spend so much time in my head, imagining and over thinking. I want to be more intentional about living in the present moment: being attentive to the beauty and intricacies of my surroundings, actively listening to others, meaningfully doing one thing at a time rather than trying to do everything at once, and the list continues. I want to focus on being here today rather than dwelling on the past and worrying about tomorrow. I am present most often when I’m doing something enjoyable, like eating ice cream (of course) or laughing like no one is watching. Yet, I am striving to also show up fully for myself in moments besides happiness. When I have a discouraging thought, for example, I want to validate what I am experiencing. Yet, I want to remember, too, that just because it’s invading my mind doesn’t mean that it is true. This process won’t come easy, surely. Still, knowing myself, I realize that it’s worth it.
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While waiting for seating in a crowded restaurant, I talked to a friend about my dormant talent. Poetry. It seems like I haven’t written a poem in forever. Though it was an activity that once brought me joy, it’s been to put to rest in the past. So it seems. I’ve blamed writer’s block, not having the time anymore, and just wondering if my talent isn’t there. Yet, I think I’ve been operating out of fear that it’s too late to craft new material and that what I produce won’t be good enough. I automatically fast forward to a worst case scenario: performing my poetry and the audience not getting or embracing my words. What if I wrote, though, just out of enjoyment, passion, and bravery for myself? What if I disciplined myself to strengthen my talent just like I tend to current priorities? I don’t want to one day reflect and realize that I failed to maximize my gifts and talents. Instead, I want to cultivate and embody them, not out of a desire to please people, but to live and love fully with all I have been uniquely given.
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Sometimes, I feel uneasy when few or no commitments are on my agenda for the day. I wonder, “Could I be doing more? Is my life not exciting enough?” There is this tugging pressure I feel to maintain activity and be “productive”. Yet, when I don’t make time for rest, I don’t feel like my best self. I’m not recharged. I don’t have the energy to pursue my goals wholeheartedly. My emotions can even become fogged.
Conveniently enough, my car is down and out this weekend. I will have plenty of time to chill as a result. Maybe, I’ll watch reruns of The Office, finally finish reading Harry Potter book #5, and take amazing naps. Hopefully, I will rest without feeling guilty and remember that relaxing, too, is purposeful.
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Growing up, I was a Nerd. I loved learning, thoughtfully and accurately completing my homework, and getting all the right answers on a test. Even though I was never the popular kid, I had “smart cred” 😆. I was one of the kids that people went to for help on assignments. I’m not proud of it, but I even cried the 3 times I got B’s in high school. (I am still mad at my gym and Algebra 2 teachers to this day! Jk)
With this context, you might understand that it’s hard for me to experience imperfection and uncertainty. I based a major part of my identity on knowing as much as I can. As I get older though, I learn more about myself and realize that there is SO MUCH that I don’t know. Rather than pretending like I have all the answers, I just straight up say, “I don’t know” when I’m uncertain. I push myself to learn what I can from life experience, people, and other knowledge sources. I ask a lot of questions when I talk to friends, mentors, and people who are just different than me. I share when I can, and I choose to live by faith daily when I don’t understand all the details.
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Since I believe in myself, I will advocate for my dreams, humanity, and well-being. I will accept love and respect while treating others the same. I will reject toxic thinking whether those thoughts emerge from my own mind or others’. I will stand in my own corner, rooting myself on.
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Yesterday, I had a Tough day with my students. The capitalized T is necessary. When things don’t go according to plan, I can dwell on everything that went imperfectly, and wonder what all I could have done better. After work, I was exhausted and still feeling down for a bit. Yet, I challenged myself to decompress mentally and physically. I briefly thought about ways to learn from the day’s challenges, watched the weirdest movie on Netflix, and lounged hard. Although the day’s mishaps never completely escaped my thoughts, it was a great feeling to show kindness to myself. I could rest a little easier remembering that the next day is another opportunity to try again.
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I am not alone. I am surrounded by God’s love, and that will sustain me through everything. I’ve been blessed by particular people throughout my life that encourage me, hold me accountable, and cheer me on. Just as they uplift me, I feel fulfillment when I can do the same for them. Many times, too, I have struggled with feelings of loneliness. In these times, it’s most helpful for me to honestly acknowledge how I feel, talk about it with someone if I can, pray for God to remind me of his loving presence, and unplug from social media. Sometimes, it’s also good for me to call, text, or write a letter to someone to just to let them know that I am thinking of them. These actions give me light when I feel alone.
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I have never experienced today before. The moment I opened my eyes at 6:47am, yesterday’s tears and triumphs settled into the past. Today, I look forward to stepping outside into nearly 70 degree weather. I’m excited to eat my leftover shrimp scampi for lunch. I will come home to my apartment with all of my dishes already washed. I’ll probably make tuna for dinner, too, because my salmon spoiled. Besides these ordinary expectations, I don’t know what all today will specifically hold. Yet, it is a Brand New Day. I will not think of everything that can go wrong. I will not let my to-do list for the week steal my peace. I will live one step at a time.
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Thank you, Jazmine Sullivan.
Last year, I attended an event about self-care and self-love for Black women in Detroit. It was everything. During the talk, the hostess played Sullivan’s song, “Masterpiece”. The song concludes with a freeing realization:
And now I see the pretty colors on my canvas
I’m a work of art, a Mona Lisa
I’ll share my picture with the world
Not afraid to let it show anymoreNot exaggerating, I listened to that song at least once a day for the rest of the year. I also began memorizing Psalms 139, a Bible chapter in which David praises God for knowing him so profoundly and creating him so wonderfully. In November 2017, I began a “60-Day Self Love Challenge”. I was determined to sincerely love myself!
Literally everyday, I have to remind myself that I am a masterpiece. I have to hold myself accountable to living out that belief. I am so imperfect in the process, but I have to keep pushing. Inwardly and outwardly, all my features uniquely shape me. I can first perceive them with love. Then, I can be encouraged to set personal development goals and follow through. I can share my gifts and talents. I can be my authentic self. I can feel gratitude for being created exactly as I have. I can better walk along my own path. It’s all a process, but I am determined.
Roots & Hope 