Fleeting Confidence and India.Arie

Coldstone is my favorite ice cream shop. Since high school, I’ve devoured the “Love It”, sometimes “Gotta Have It” sized goodness of sweet cream enhanced by strawberries, Oreos, and hot fudge. Since finally getting my driver’s license last summer, I’ve frequented the nearest franchise of ice cream heaven.

Two weeks ago, one of my best friends and I caught up on each other’s lives while sitting inside of a crowded, you’ve guessed it, Coldstone. We’ve been friends since the 6th grade, and she’s affirmed me through the sunrise and pitch blackness. She has always reminded me to press into dark moments, and seek the immense light absorbed within. Our reunion was no different this time around, and it gifted me with an urgent prayer:

God, please show me why you love me, and what is it that you love about me? Help me to see myself the way that you see me.

Some days, I sample confidence. I gaze into the mirror with admiration for my chocolate covering and kinky hair, and savor my “Positivity” playlist with India.Arie along the morning drive to work. I feel gratitude when I reflect on my story and my character that has been birthed within the pages.

Though freeing, those days are consistently fleeting.

Much more often, my routine is shaped by a reluctance to rise out of bed, and a struggle to live without evaluating my existence and impact as inadequate. It is a dizzying seesaw of prayer and worry, of comparison and emptiness, of fear and fatigue. It is a rejection of my divinely knit features.

I am hoping though that the shape of my life will evolve, and blossom from the gift of prayer. I am looking ahead to when I can see myself as a masterpiece in God’s gallery, and encourage others along the way.

While I learn to savor holistic love, I will offer my heart as a space for healing. And if you were wondering, yes, I will most definitely continue to indulge in Coldstone heaven and India.Arie.

You are beautiful like a flower,

More valuable than a diamond.

You are powerful like a fire.

You will heal the world with your mind.

There is nothing in this world that you cannot do

When you believe in you.

– India.Arie

 

 

 

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